Bingley's Dilemma: By Will Darcy
by nopassword
Summary: Bingley makes a fatal mistake when he confides in Darcy one day, for it's not only women who gossip. And while Darcy may not be the most proficient gossip, practice makes perfect...right? And there's no time like the present to start.


A bit of fun that came to me =)

Enjoy

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******Charles Bingley's Dilemma: By Will Darcy**

"He stands there, arms crossed, feet spread, frowning deep in thought at the kitchen bench. The ultimate masculine stance.

That's how I came across Charlie one day, and here is my faithful recount of what passed through his mind. The situation he was contemplating would change the world. US Government Shutdown? Global Financial Crisis? Those issues are insignificant compared to this.

_'Which to eat?_

_Apples...? Or oranges..._

_Hmmm. This could be difficult. Definitely the most pressing decision for today. 'To be, or not to be' has nothing on this. How could Shakespeare not have realised that!_

_Perhaps I should make a list of positives and negatives for each fruit. And catalogue my emotions at this very precise moment in time. Then cross reference them against each other...To ensure that I'm making the right choice, of course. I wouldn't want to begin eating one fruit only to realise that I wanted the other. That's terribly unprofessional. And the first fruit would feel rejected and under-appreciated and lose its sense of self. Its feelings would be hurt! How could I let myself be responsible for that?_

_Uhhh...Right. _

_Note to Self #1: Don't become too involved with fruit. They are just that. Fruit. Organic matter made up of carbon and hydrogen atoms that give us sustenance. _

_(Arrgghhh don't look at me like that! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'll never think such heresy again. Deep breaths, Charlie. Deep breaths-'"_

"I don't think like that!" spluttered Charlie, interrupting Will.

"Oh yeah?," Will raised his eyebrow, "I'm pretty sure you tripped over yourself to apologise to a banana that I wouldn't eat because I said it was brown and mushy. What was it you said...? Oh, that's right 'There there. You won't be forever alone. Charlie's here to ensure that,'" Will paused, "Please, do correct me if I am mistaken."

Charlie flushed in response, sinking into the couch.

"Case in point," replied Will, smug at the lack of rebuttal.

"_'So...Apples._

_Apples, apples, apples. Crunchy and sweet. Definitely a positive, especially that satisfying crunch they make when bitten into. Very alpha male. I think I have the muscles to pull off that sort of aggressive manner...Of course not as good as Will, but how could I ever be as-"_

"Definitely don't, and wouldn't _ever_ think that," cut in Charlie sourly.

"Alright! Alright! Tough crowd" Will sighed, the corner's of his mouth twitching upwards.

"_'Red or green (like Christmas. A jolly season that one. Can't forget to begin buying gifts either. It's never too early to start...even in June. Australia has Christmas in July-surely that's an excuse...Get a grip, Charlie! There's a reason you only have one X-Chromosome!) Anyway, back on topic!_

_...They do make water taste funny if you drink right afterwards. The water tastes all sour, and it just doesn't want to move from mouth to stomach. Awfully stubborn of the water...perhaps it becomes sour! Sourness waterfied! (...like personified...yeah?...nevermind.) This could change things. Am I thirsty?'"_

Will tentatively licked the inside of his mouth.

"_'Nope. Don't think so. *Sigh* Back to square one then. _

_Oooh! What about political motives? Does choosing apples make me environmentally savvy? Ecologically aware? Economically...omniscient? _

_See Will. I too can use four plus syllable words. I may be dumb, but I ain't stupid!_

_...just ignore the previous statement._

_And the seeds. You have to ensure that you don't eat them, then after finishing you have to keep the apple core, then hold it by the stem (if it hasn't already fallen off) until you throw it out. And who knows how long that will be? Dreadfully inconsiderate those apples._

_Damn. This isn't working. Perhaps oranges will help me decide instead. _

_Oh oranges, I could write an ode to oranges._

_Oranges are so very sweet,_

_Blood or Navel your choice will be,_

_I'm so happy I could tweet_

_As they're (mostly) seedless and good for me._

_Cut with a knife_

_Peeled and split into segments,_

_Now I can live in contentment _

_For they are my life._

_Well. It was an attempt. I never said it had to be a good one._

_Note to Self #2: Don't become a poet. Ever._

_Oranges are, well, orange. Huh, that's stupid. How are you supposed to describe its colour if it's the same word? Who was the imbecile who did that!?_

_...Moving on. Orange is the colour of...harmony? So if I pick the orange does that imply I'm promoting peace? Friendly and sustainable relationships? I can do that._

_However eating oranges firstly, requires a knife, and makes my hands sticky. Do I want that? It's so much effort just to open the drawer to get the knife, never mind going all the way to the sink to wash my hands after eating And they squirt juice if you're not careful, at the most inopportune times too...like when I had that job interview and I got it on my pants. Right at the-'"_

At this point, Will became aware of the direction of Charlie's death glare, and hurried to finish up.

"_'That's it. I can't take this anymore. It's much too difficult! It's up to you, fate.'_

And with that dramatic finish, Charlie closed his eyes, stuck his hand into the fruit bowl with a flourish and brought out...

A banana. Because that was the only fruit in the bowl."

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Will looked up to find Jane and Liz rolling on the floor, eyes streaming and fists stuffed in their mouth's attempting to abate their laughter. Charlie, on the other hand, was not impressed.

"What is this? Pick on Charles Day?" Charlie sat there slouched as far into his seat as possible, red as a beetroot, praying that the floor would open and swallow him whole.

"_You're_ the one who told me about this!" Will exclaimed, ducking a cushion that narrowly missed his head. "_I_ would never make up something like_ that_ about you"

"It was told to you in utmost confidence! And you took a fair bit of artistic license with it too," Charlie accused, pointing his finger at Will.

"Hah!" Broke in Liz, "That's your first mistake. And you think women gossip! I loved the poem, by the way."

"It was too good an opportunity to embarrass you to pass it up," Will protested, "And don't even try to insinuate that I wrote_ that_ poem. I could never claim credit for such a masterpiece!"

"Indeed, it was very sweet," joined in Jane, an innocent expression pasted on her face, "I will definitely be content to write a tweet about it." Everyone, bar Charlie, burst into a fresh fit of laughter at that.

"Just you wait, Will Darcy," muttered Charlie, "Just you wait."

Note to Self #3: Revenge is a dish best served cold.

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**Reviews are appreciated**


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